Chavvus-Biggotus - The South-Coast Chav
The South-Coast Chav makes up one of the largest factions in the whole of England. The South-Coast Chav is our fair island's last line of defense of the foreign hordes and regularly keep the Daily Mail smirking by pounding some Eastern-European skull. The South-Coast Chav also works hard to keep their habitats affordable, by diminishing the desirability of even the most cosmopolitan areas.
Burberry Caps only. The South-Coast Chav is close enough to london to take in the bargain shops on Oxford Street, where Burberry is very much 'de rigeur'. Jauntiness of angle is not permitted here, The South-Coast Chav's don't mess around. Tip pulled low to act as a wind-break.
Torso
Gold chain(s) (Argos) round the neck. Polo Shirts are commonly worn, usually with some form of English flag on them. These are the guys who you see on holiday, who want everyone to know that they are Brits, not that their lobster coloured skin, luminous bermudas and Man-boobs kind of give that away already.
Being southern and by definition 'soft', these Chavs tend to go for heavier Jackets than your standard Nylon ensemble; Indeed, the South-Coast Chav will stretch to a waterproof coat. Must be Nickelson or an approximation of, the collar must be turned up, A La Monsieur Cantona. The jacket will never be zipped up, for fear of the England shirt being obscured.
Legs
The South-Coast chav is a more sartorial beast than some of his rural cousins; the distribution of jeans-to-tracky bottoms ratio being about 50/50. Although Tracky bottoms are still common, some of the more minted South-Coast Chavs have turned their back on them in favour of actually quite well-fitted jeans. This anomaly cannot be readily explained, but is believed to be attributed to the fact that Jeans can take more of a scuffing, a good thing to bear in mind when being floored by a large Albanian after cussing his mum.
Black loafers (buckled) for smart/Headkicking occaions. Otherwise, white Reebok Classics. The South-Coast Chav normally rotates several pairs at a time.
Behaviour
Body Language
The South-Coast Chav acts in a very shifty manner, they act very distrustfully towards non-locals, even if you are just down the road. Eye contact is rare in deed. Also, expect to see a lot of arms crossed over fat stomachs.
Social Skills
The South-Coast Chav can regularly be seen enjoying what ever football team they support, either at the ground, or more likely, a themed pub. In these arenas they are happy enough, however if an outsider enters their place of leisure the atmosphere will change quickly. Asylum is the number one topic of conversation, followed by football and fighting. The South Coast Chav can read the sun. The more highbrow may even stretch to the Daily Mail.
Dialect
Varies from location to location. For example, Some of the Southampton Chavs (particularly those from Shirley) speak in an almost west-cundry accent, this is perhaps a symptom of prolific in-breeding. The Brighton Chav will speak in a mockney accent, not dis-similar to twat Chav idol, 'The Streets'.
Combat Skill
A lot of South-Coast Chavs are bought up on a staple diet of fighting, this does not mean they are very good at it. The Brighton Chav in particular is in dire need of regularly affirming his masculinity, due to the large Gay population. This makes him more aggro, therefore he is liable to be beaten up at least once a week. The Bournemouth Chav regularly takes on superior numbers in the belief that, being English and slightly fat he is nails. This is regularly disproven by whatever immigrant is on the receiving end of the Kosh. The South-Coast Chav gives a lot of verbal but is generally to vain/southern to do any real harm. They are only dangerous when they outnumber the opposition 3 to 1.
Transportation
The South-Coast Chav will employ the use of a bus to pick up his dole, so as not to give away that they are making £400 per week labouring. He will also use the train to go 'ap Laandon' of a weekend. Other than that, the South-Coast Chav will spend all of his money and time making what is essentially a nice car into a monstrosity. The Chav will then street-race his pride and joy 'daan the sea-front' before unceremoniously stacking it.
Likes
Pompey/The Saints, The Sun/Daily Mail, Eminem, The Streets, Garage 'music', Craaaing David (He's from them parts) Enoch Powell, Enger-lund, London, Silly-looking cars. Cash-In-hand.
Dislikes
Pompey/The Saints, Ethnic Minorities, unmodified cars, Immigrants, Supporters of Immigration, Ferries, Seacats, dinghies, Homosexuals, people who do not wear england colours at least twice a week.
Summary
The South-Coast Chav is a nasty, wiley, bigoted parasite, keeping one fo the nicest coastal regions on the 'No-go' list at travel agencies. If you stay in one of the towns above, keep as close to the centre as possible, where the heady mix of holiday makers will dilute the Chavs somewhat. Also, be aware that these destinations are hotspots for non-local Chav activity when on the off-chance the sun is shining for more than 10 minutes a day. There is nothing more dangerous than a mass-Chav brawl, particularly for the innocents caught up in it. If you have a spare day and are tempted to get away go to france instead. Just be wary of the knuckle-dragging hordes who will be pelting your mode of transportation with rocks on the way back home, in the belief that you're harbouring 'illegals' or 'ethinics'.
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