Chavvus-Mickeymouseicus - The Plastic Chav
The Plastic Chav feigns abject poverty, when in fact they have been privvy to some of the best schools in the UK, and were bought nice wheels by mummy and daddy, which they promptly butchered.
The Plastic Chav will wear a baseball cap when strictly necessary, although it will be of a more elegant variety than their less frugal counterparts. labels like Von Dutch are worn for around 2 weeks, at which point the other Chav groupings catch on. The Plastic Chav will then throw the no-longer-cool hat in the bin, in spite of its' £30 price tag. The Plastic Chav has grave concern for their hair, and will not allow a cap to bore a lego-type groove into their barnet.
Torso
Pringle jumpers are staple wear for any Plastic Chav. Sports-style polo shirts are allowed so long as they are not too vulgar. Fred Perry and LaCoste are considered less affordable than other makes, so are hot favourites here.
A gold identity bracelet (bought by mummy or stupidly wealthy girlfriend/wannabe page 3 girl) worth a grand is not considered O.T.T., this is normally paired with a ridiculously chunky gold chain and 'tasteful' medallion.
Legs
Strictly A-grade designer jeans only, if a Plastic Chav sees his jeans in the window of Madhouse, he will set fire to them, and have a big tizzy at mummy for being a cheapskate. Robinson Crusoe-style trousers are also acceptable, negating the need to roll the legs up, also flashing a glimpse of fake-tanned calf. Ankle chains are not unheard of, even on a male.
Feet
Loafers are preferred to any trainers. However, on the few occasions a Plastic Chav will deem it socially acceptable, the tainers will always cost £100-plus, and invariably have funny springs etc. adorning them. Mummy will bring back new shoes regularly on one of her shopping trips to New York.
Plastic Chavs seldom wear socks, as it spoils the line of their shoes, and tends to leave unsightly impressions on their skin, which can have the affect of smudging the fake tan. When socks are worn, they are pringle, and matching their jumpers. Socks are not worn more than a dozen times before disposal.
Behaviour
Body Language
The Plastic Chav will attempt to appear aggressive, though can always be seen around the periphery of the Chav group. He doesn't seem as equipped with the Chav 'killer instinct' as his contemporaries. His fellow Chavs are too stupid to notice his inherent poshness, because they are dense, and besides he has a nice car.
Social Skills
Friendly and polite to mummy, daddy and everyone else in his exclusive Essex village, the Plastic Chav will take on a different persona as he travels away from his neighbourhood. It is when arriving in London that the Plastic Chav will adopt the silliest behaviour, doing what he can to convince people that He doesn't live in an 8-bedroom mansion and spent his youth horseriding. When he refers to the 'Estate' he grew up in, he means one in the country, not run by a local council.
Dialect
Again this is based on the recipient of his wisdom. You may be a genuine East Ender but you wouldn't know it as he volleys off every Mockney cliche in the book, obviously influenced by Lock Stock, Snatch and Naked Chef. Then he arrives home and his cockney parents bray him for 'talkin' loike a commonah' after 15 years of public school.
Combat Skill
The Plastic Chav may have been instructed in Feng-Shui by a Zen master for £50 per hour bankrolled by his over-zealous dad but this matters little in a scrap. He will use all of his blagging and acting skills to try and avoid physical combat. His clothes and moisturised face are far too precious to become ruffled. There is no significant danger unless they are charlied up to their eyeballs, which they probably are.
Transportation
A nearly-new Alfa Romeo of some description, or an equally 'exclusive' model. No Peugeots for this lad, unless they are convertible and upholstered in leather from the finest cows known to man.
Public transport = a black cab back to Chingford for a sum not significantly less than the average Chav's car, or mummy/daddy may be roped into action, as long as it's not later than 4am.
Likes
Horses, fast cars, plastic-looking women with rich parents, talkin cockney, keeping it real, large houses with swimming pools big enough to accomodate Moby Dick after eating 10 tonnes of lard.
Dislikes
People born with silver spoons in their mouths, people who don't 'keep it real', people who don't talk cockerney.
Summary
The Plastic Chav is an embarrasment to himself and those genuine chavs around him. Fundamentally a spoilt little shit, the Plastic Chav chooses to wallow in the quagmires that most people have to. Denying his rich background, the Plastic Chav will try to find lower-class mates, perhaps in a desire to authenticate his carefully-practised cockney accent or to persuade the locals 'e really is one of 'em'. When on Holiday abroad the Plastic Chav will make out they are from some little-known borough of East London, rather than admit they come from the home counties.
This over-privileged git is only tolerated by other chavs because they presume him to be a master criminal (how else is he always so minted). By the time the Plastic Chav hits his 20's, he will have started to work in his dad's successful landscaping business or will be trying to make it as a celebrity, doing nothing noteworthy along the way. Eventually he will inherit his dad's fortune and have kids of his own, thus starting the circle again. "Ere son, oi'm a self made man, oi am, and dontcher ferget yer cam from the east end a laaaandon"
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