Chavvus-Skaggus - The McChav The McChav is never seen south of the Scottish borders. McChavs migrating south tend to hide their innate chavvishness for fear of being deported back north; reason being that there are several cultural differences which would lead to violent attacks from the Common Chav. How to spot a McChav Sighting Locations Lanarkshire All suburbs of major Scottish cities Ethnic Group White Clothing Head fluorescent baseball caps, normally worn lower on the brow than a common Chav's cap. At least one eyebrow shaven and/or pierced. Hair kept close-cropped and nit free. The fluorescent cap acts firstly as a visible warning to non-Chavs to cross the road well in advance, and, secondly, conceals embarassing ginger hair problems. Torso Fake polo shirt (fluorescent). Fake Shell suit top (fluorescent). The McChav at least has the pride to pretend he can afford designer clothes. Occasionally, bona-fide branded clothing is worn. This is normally purchased from the pub/factory seconds warehouse. No jacket ever worn, even in extreme cold. The McChav is immune to the effects of cold, after being left to wander around city centres in the winter from birth. For special occasions, the use of a shirt may be employed. This must be short-sleeved (no McChav fears the elements), checked; bonus points for a logo approximating a three-legged horse, or blue alligator. Legs Fake Shell suit bottoms (fluorescent). One leg tucked into socks. Skag/Charlie/Weed in leg pocket. Irn Bru/meths in left pocket, XR2 keys and Face/off stereo in right. The Kappa (correct spelling optional) logo is preferable. For special occasions, the use of tight jeans may be employed. These must be black, and bonus points for large logos such as 'giorgio giorgio' emblazoned all over the back pocket. Feet Fake Sports socks (fluorescent). In the summer (or in winter if funds are low) the McChav may elect to go without socks. This can lead to in-fighting, as the classic 'one trouser leg tucked in' motif can not be observed. This is seen as an insult by many. White Reebok Classics are the order of the day here, however they are normally of an older style than elsewhere. The southern Chav would turn his nose up at the choice of Reeboks in Scotland. Also note, that no matter how poor the McChav is, he will always elect to buy genuine footwear. The shame of wearing a fake Reebok Classic would be unbearable. For special occasions, the use of shoes with buckles may be employed. These must be black, and Barrats. Behaviour Body Language The McChav moves with an air of confidence borne from regular chemical supplementation. McChavs often can be seen grinning and chatting animatedly, even when in a room on their own. McChav body language can be threatening, particularly when asking for a bus fare. Social Skills The McChavs are known to prowl the wastelands of Glasgow in enormous packs, with members recruited as young as six months old. Female Mcchavs also accompany the male pride, and would be indistinguishable from their male counterparts, if not for their garish perms and multiple earrings. They are mainly recruited to carry the younger members in prams. A McChav may be very friendly and attentive. This is normally a smokescreen for activities going on elsewhere in the corner shop/shopping centre/bus. Dialect Broken English, spoken at twice the audible speed. Never converse with a McChav, as they may ask you for money or drugs without you realising it. If you then nod in agreement (It's polite, after all) you are basically in a blood contract. To avoid this situation, wear a walkman (not a posh one) and read the Daily Record. They will then assume you are local and leave you alone. You may also be asked if you are 'shelltec' or 'raangersh'. Avoid the temptation to say 'They're both shit'. Try to gauge how they say both words. McChavs are hardly poker-faced when discussing their dislikes. If you guess incorrectly make a run for it. Combat Skill Effective use of the heid (head) makes the McChav a formidable opponent. The female members are weaker, but twice as fierce. Most tactics will be employed to defeat an opponent. If in a confrontation with a McChav, cover your eyes/ears/genitalia from harm. Watch out for the smaller, weaker McChavs; they will almost certainly be carrying weapons. McChavs are completely immune to the effects of cold and blows to the head. Known weaknesses are their feet. The 'Christening' of their clean, white trainers will temporarily disorientate them. They are also slow runners as a result of a questionable diet. Transportation Bus, Train, Two-tone Mondeo with a Impreza bodykit, Two-tone Astra with a Impreza bodykit. No true McChavs can afford a proper Scoob. Likes Hardcore 'music' (Scooter, Sharky etc.), Eminem. Hoops/'Gers (delete as applicable); Deep-Fried Mars bars, Deep-Fried square sausages and Microchips, preferably all in the same Deep-Fried bun. Irn Bru. Alcopops. The Dole. Dislikes Ethnic Minorities, the English, Hoops/'Gers (delete as applicable), Unmodified cars, work, paying for things. Summary The McChav is quite an enigmatic creature, mainly due to the language barrier. The McChav will normally attempt to barter for their right to acquire your mobile phone/wallet/girlfriend rather than just fleece you. This enables the chav to then act with a clear conscience. This is something to bear in mind when being nutted to the sound of 'Ah told yeez'. The best way to deal with the McChav is to avoid them and their natural habitats. Council estates, buses, trains, shopping centres and all fast-food outlets are all out of bounds. In fact, do not go to Scotland at all unless it is to see the McNessie, who I have on good authority is also a Chav. Fed up of trawling this site for non-existent updates? e-mail me, subject 'join', to join the Chavspotting Mail list. you will then receive an email when any updates occur (if ever).