'Daily' Chavwatch Part 4 More horrific vehicles, ugly horse-face shystie, westwood dissin' and other stuff Good citizens can breathe a sigh of relief... Indeed, the writer of this very page is not dead, or just out of ideas (honest). The Chavs have not uprisen and destroyed me for exhibiting independent thought, or thrown stones at my window. I am in the process of moving into a fantastic new area which I am sure will be Chav-rich and exciting for us all. We at Chavspotting have been inundated with literally ones of emails of support, pertaining to the lack of updates over the last milennia or so. Here is one of the many, many, which we have received during this sabbatical. Dear chavspotter in Japan I'm told they are called 'body-con' Short for body conscious, more a thing for the chavettes, but very familiar to anyone whose been to BlueWater shopping centre in kent. They too are known for sun bed worshiping, white eyeliner, short skirts, Burbs, and of course the ease of their favor. Keep up the good work-the people have a right to know! Sten Thanks to Sten for dragging us out of our malais. It is due to hardworking, dilligent and easily-distracted people like this that the Chavspotting movement continues. Keeping to the theme of using other people's words 'cos we can't be arsed, here are some random extracts from the extremely busy message board. Chav activity Posted on 2/8/2004 at 01:29:01 PM by Grandma Grunt I have the joy of living in Bow, east London, which by the day is becoming more and more Chavtastic. A common pastime is not bothering to get a parking permit, and then when you get clamped get your mate along with his chainsaw to remove it whilst you keep watch. This is preferably done in broad daylight to prove your hardness and lack of care for any form of authority. This form of activity is purely for the thick, non-sneaky Chav as they clearly haven't realised that if you are wheel-clamped, sawing it off yourself isn't the brightest thing to do as there is a somewhat huge possibility that the clamping company might just have written down your registration number and therefore have your details. Unless you are a stealer-Chav - as the car won't be yours in which case it doesn't matter. This site is shite Posted on 20/4/2004 at 08:29:40 PM by Uncle Fucker (no message) Re(1): Scum Posted on 30/7/2004 at 05:19:40 PM by lexxxus wateva u prik shystie iz da bidness ygetme fool go fuck youself serious Speaking of Shystie, I had high hopes that her apocalyptically-bad game, Juiced (see below), wouldn't be released, after godawful games publisher Acclaim's timely demise. However, I am reliably informed that this game will still be published. I suggest that readers of these pages vote with their feet, by stamping on as many copies of the game as possible when it is eventually released. Another (proper) update soon. This car is truly one of a kind This marvellous vehicle is currently for sale. It sports the following: Mis-matched blue light clusters all the way round, silver go-faster trim, lumps of brushed chrome attached to the windscreen-wipers, England decal prominently displayed on bonnet, boot, and numberplates, but most amazingly it also appears to have 2 thick lengths of copper pipe shoved into the bonnet at roughly symmetrical positions. Now, this photo can't do this justice (the snapper's hands were shaking in disbelief at the time) There are several possibilities for these vertical monstrosities, but We don't believe that any of them will actually help the vehicle go any faster. These are the current theories as to their purpose: a) kitchen-roll holders b) medieval dildos c) Mad Max-style impaling weapons of doom. We may never know what they were intended to be - perhaps the same aliens who constructed the pyramids came down and dicked with some hapless sods' car. far more likely though, is that Max Power can be held accountable for yet more car carnage. Queen of evil Shystie update!!! all you Shystie fans are in for a massive treat, according to an email received by someone not a million miles away from here. You see, not content with her rasping voice causing involuntary convulsions all over the land, Shysie has lent her 'voice' and appearance to a Videogame. I kid you not, read on. A first look at the in-game footage "Shystie Vs Juiced Modding and racing – that is, taking the car as a personalized art form and then ragging the sh*t out of it against fellow enthusiasts – are the subject of a brand new Acclaim video game called JUICED to which the UK’s premier female MC, Shystie, has lent not only her considerable musical muscle, but also her virtual self. Having been made aware of her talents through the response record to Dizzee Rascal’s ‘I Love You’ track earlier this year, computer game giant Acclaim saw the perfect opportunity for the first computer tie-in of its kind. Shystie has been recreated in pixel form for the game, and has even recorded a track especially for the soundtrack. Entitled “Juiced”, a video has been shot for it mixing graphics from the game with real time footage, so Shystie is suddenly seen haring around Angel City in an Evo 8 sports car, with one hand on the wheel and rapping at breakneck speed. Juiced offers you 33 cars to choose from, a plethora of options to tune them to whatever spec you could wish and 150km sq in which to run out your modding dreams. All with the UK’s hottest MC at the helm. For further information please call **** ***** @ ****** ** on 0208 *** ****" Deafness and Blindness has never been a more valuable affliction. 'Oi, move over mans dem!' Yes, this is the current 'in' way of talking, in essence making no sense whatsoever. This pearl of wisdom was bought to you by Shystie, the latest in a long run of female Emcees whirling down the conveyer belt of shitness. Once again, Touch magazine has excelled itself with another turgid issue, full of tossers from Egham who think that they have what it takes to make it in the music biz, without any evidence of discernible talent, flair or even good looks. Shystie apparently rose to 'fame' after responding to one of Dizzzzzzzzzzzeee Rascal's awful tracks, which sound like they were crafted by a 10-year old tone-deaf kid with A.D.D., so she's in good company. In the picture opposite she manages to match her adidas logos with her eye-shadow, and it's little tricks like that which apparently have the record companies clamouring for her signature. Little does she know, that in a few years time, the only people after her signature will be the Job Centre, and with good reason too - if any of the current 'crop' of female MCs scores more than 1 hit I will be 'nuff surprised, because they are SO UGLY, and devoid of any redeeming feaures, apart from the certainty of their deaths at some point in the future. But in Shystie's case, I wouldn't be surprised if she manages to cheat death, as it is clear she is cosying up with the devil. Her blagging skills are already evident after convincing whatever hapless fool that took her on that she has talent. Shystie looks like a horse who has accidentally eaten a dozen lemons and is probably about as eloquent as one, if her MC-ing 'skillz' are anything to go by. Her vocals have the effect of complete brain death within 5 seconds of exposure, as she heartily rattles out ill-conceived lyrics using a voice akin to a pack of baby seals being clubbed to death, or an enraged geography teacher on the blob. In fact, if you have ever been on a bus with a dozen school girls eagerly discussing the latest 'mans' they is in to and laughing like hyenas, you are still not close to the irritation caused by Shystie's squawking spits. Quite how anyone sees money in pushing this foul-faced hag to the masses is beyond me completely. The only way I would normally expect to see a gal of this calibre appear on TV would be if she was on Trisha, announcing she used to be one of the 'mans' she so eagerly wants to 'move over'. There is something so addictive about Touch Magazine though - it's like when you find yourself looking at the scene of a fatal car crash, your morbid curiosity overriding your finer sensibilities. I like nothing better than to trawl through its pages to find the latest in Chav culture. In the very same issue that elected to put Shystie on its cover, I also uncovered a little gem called Ayak, who happens to be another aesthetically-challenged gal doing what she can to escape the 'ghettos' of Greater London. Touch chooses to boldly go with the headline 'more than just a pretty face' when describing Ayak, perhaps not realising the hilarity this causes most people. You see, Ayak is so offensive-looking that even blind men are not immune ot her powers. Think of her as a modern-day basilisk and you wouldn't go far wrong. She is also 6 feet tall, so could very probably have you in a fight. The bulky lass chooses to soften her look somewhat with the most bizarre eye-makeup ever seen; perhaps hoping that it will draw attention away from the rest of her. Ayak then goes on to explain " I've got a batty on me, I've got a chest on me, I'm healthy!" Quite. Though she probably isn't as healthy as KFC's profit margin after one of her visits. And her hair has seen better days, looking like it was collected from the cadavers of discarded 'my little ponies', or stolen from a fat goth. This lady seemingly started her career in Germany, where she was too scary even for the beer-swilling locals - there simply isn't enough alcohol in Hamburg to render Ayak innofensive. So she decided to 'conquer' London with the notable absence of any kind of record deal. And so I make this plea now; Please oh desperately flailing record companies (you know who you are), Don't give her a deal, even if she threatens to sit on you. If you are an aspiring chav, you could do far worse than to add these 2 ladies to your repertoire of CDs for your overpriced, overpowered car stereo. Posessing torturous voices that would make the Pope go on a killing spree, these ladeez sure know how to get under the skin and stay there, like herpes but more annoying. If you have any vermin infesting your house that you wish to get rid of, simply pump the fruits of these female MC's 'labour' through a moderately powerful stereo; they will be driven to suicide within minutes. Just make sure that you are adequately protected, or you will soon find yourself chewing your own hands off. Some more about Tim Westwood. Still can't be bothered to write much about him, suffice to say that the little movie below (you'll need sound) is just one of his legendary moments in the Radio 1 booth. If you ever want to sound as baaad as Westwood you best start practisin' now aiight. Fed up of trawling this site for non-existent updates? e-mail me, subject 'join', to join the Chavspotting Mail list. you will then receive an email when any updates occur (if ever).