'Daily' Chavwatch Part 3
Ugly chav heffers, a son of a vicar, crazy japanese people and scrounging scum.
'The Future of the UK Urban Scene' - Coming to a Woolworth's bargain bin near you.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. Question: What can there possibly be in this world that is more objectionable than a bunch of moody, tracksuited nob-ends getting record deals and inflicting their awful rapping 'skillz' on the public? Answer: Why not make them female, and extremely ugly? This seems to be the dying music industry's last attempt to con money out of the stupid masses. The reckoning must be, that if the majority of young girls buying their crap are ugly and stupid, why not go the whole hog and release 'artists' they can relate to?
It is with pleasure then that I bring you this: a small selection of the 'up and coming' female MCs about to assault the charts, as piece of shit chav bible 'Touch' would have you believe. 'Touch' is an awful magazine, even flicking through the pages will knock 5 off your IQ. The latest issue has The Streets on the cover, looking remarkably like Tim Westwood, who I don't much like. It is the cutting edge of Chavdom. here is a random quote from the Female MC's article: "If I Wasn't MCing, spitting, making beats I don't know where I'd be right now, prison or something." These words of wisdom come courtesy of a young lady called 'Maihem' aka. Candice. I just want to address that quote on 2 points. Firstly, I think that I'd prefer for her to actually be in prison, OK, so my taxes would be bankrolling her, but at least she wouldn't be in the position to inflict us with her music. In fact, I'd gladly pay for her and her ilk to be incarcerated for ever more. Secondly, I doubt she is actually 'tuff' enough to get sent down in the first place, more than likely if not for her MCing she'd be behind the counter at Boots, which is exactly where she will be in a year's time.
Now, onto the women on the right. The delightful lass in the all blue ensemble is called 'Lady Sovereign', possibly due to the tabs she smokes or the ring adorning her yellowing finger. She looks to be around 11 years old, although amazingly lists her age as 18. Quite how any 18-year-old can wear those clothes without being at a fancy dress party is beyond me. I really can't say much more, apart from, for fuck's sake, look at her! If this is the future of the British music industry then I'm emigrating to Iraq.
The shrinking violet in the black and gold is known as 'Lady Fury' and her MC style is listed as 'Angry and Real'. Right. I think it's easy to see from the picture why she may have chosen that name. If I'd been born looking like that, I'd be pretty pissed too. She is only 17 and look at the size of her! Them Tesco value fishfingers must be packed with protein innit. Her hair has been scraped back so hard it is starting to raise her eybrows, giving her an almost Jack Nicholson-esque quality. This kind of 'female' hangs around in predominantly male gangs and beats the shit out of them. She lists her fave groups as 'Heartless Crew' and 'Pay As U Go'. Maybe she can get jobs with them at Burger King when her career falls on its fat arse.
If either of these 2 girls make it to number 1 in the UK chart, I will kill myself.
Is this Westwood's car?
Radio 1 Hip-Hop DJ Tim (ha!) Westwood is perhaps one of the largest tossers ever to walk the earth. I haven't got the energy to dissert Mr. Westwood's finer points at this time - suffice to say that I have little time for him. A few years back, ugly, boring media whore Jo Whiley interviewed Westwood for her doomed Channel 4 show, and Westwood revealed to the masses that he 'took a bullet'. Unfortunately the calibre of said bullet was insufficient to cause Westwood a mortal wound, something I rue every time I hear him on Radio 1.
With that in mind, I spotted a superb vehicle in a Homebase car park on the weekend, which I share with you all here. What you see before you is a souped-up Vauxhall Corsa (yes, that's right, someone decided to waste their energy souping up one of the most pedestrian vehicles known to man) in an effort to make it look 'mean'. Having spent considerable time and money on this project, I can only surmise that the guy still didn't think his car looked mean enough, and elected to do something truly ingenious: Stick fake Bullet-hole decals to his car.
I really had to rub my eyes being greeted with this, I just can't comprehend why anyone would do this to their own car. I even tried thinking as a Chav would, and all I could come up with was 'Thas a fuckin shit idea you prick'. I photographed the car, hoping that whichever lunatic came up with this grand design was inside picking up go-faster stripes for the side of his house. I have supplied a closer view of the wing, so you can indeed see that it has a bullet pattern up it, like something out of Bugsy Malone.
I wish all gangsters were as considerate as this - to playfully decorate passing mediocre cars with lead, without smashing windows, bursting tyres or rupturing fuel tanks, and to then perform the same service on the other side of the car, to create a symmetrical pattern. An imposing vehicle indeed, and one that Westwood would be proud of.
'Big' in Japan, and why Babelfish is great.
Whilst looking at the entirely underwhelming stats for this very website, I discovered that a user had accessed this site through www.excite.co.jp, a site which searches for and automatically translates western text to Japanese. It all looked very nice, and the webmaster secretly hopes for a massive japanese following, similar to Atomic Kitten in the old days. This has not yet happened. However, the Japanese text from the front page of this site was ran back through Babelfish, with the following (and almost amusing) results:
Please choose life. Please choose the new star which has the engine of 4 liters. On the center which shops your companion and ? neck punishment are chosen the around, the day when everything is ugly. It chooses, it has sexual intercourse from reebok classic and the burberry cap whose one, big, pair is white. Please choose the stereo which can cause the disturbance of earthquake. Please choose the girl friend who has the spot which had the taste many wheel ????? and because of the pale skin gets fat. Lambert and the steward super kings of 20 are chosen, it brings, those furthermore extend the many of them. The dangerous weed in essex, the line of brickdust and "Superclub" is chosen. You and all companions is possible, thing and shagwagons which choose the parking zone of the sky largely, pull the doughnut and annuity overspecced were done. The alloy of the gold is chosen, the super computer of the illumination and 60 of ULTRAVIOLET RADIATION and floor lower system - many L.E.D. ' S. The jewel from the index, please choose the bomber jacket from the market and the shirt from the Venn shaman. Please choose life. Please choose Chav.
See how civil the Japanese are? They don't have much of a Chav problem there, just a large swell of suicidal teenagers with blue hair in Motorcycle gangs. You see, I've rather tenuously linked this article to Chavs, not that I'm out of ideas or anything. Next update will definately be Chav-related.
The Dole Rush.
Like the prospectors of old America, the modern-day Chav scours the Job Centres for any sniff of extra income, finding that their undeclared, tax-free labouring job won't quite pay for their ridiculous car mods. The only avenue left open to these poor souls is to exploit the taxpayer by scamming themselves a nice fortnightly dole packet or two. These cunning beasts plead poverty at their local job centre, dressing down to look more the part by wearing their slightly older Reebok Classics and last-season tracksuits.
An avid Chavspotter spotted this beaut burning along in Forest Hill, doing close to a ton. Reports that the Job Centre was closing in 10 minutes haven't been confirmed. The old parking-round-the-corner routine so they don't stop your dole has been used by Chavs through the ages, and sees no sign of stopping now. Why would it, when it works so well?
More Chav ads, this time on the most powerful tool of all, the internet.
It appears that the Chav may finally be getting on-line, the place once thought of as a safe haven; where bespectacled youths could converse without danger of attack. The blame has to lie with the computer becoming cheaper with every passing year, Internet TV boxes and, most tellingly, mobile phones. The Chav has always been put off by the rigours of using a computer, and the fear that such arcane technology precipitates.
Every Chav harbours a secret fear about becoming geeky by using the web, that the amount of information available might lead to enlightenment and non-prejudicial behaviour. Thank heavens, then, for pornography and modified car websites, for the Chav has well and truly landed, and those crazy advertising execs have been quick to cop on. I haven't revealed the URL of said advert, as I do not wish to line the pockets of these agency morons. Nevertheless, the image below is a lasting testament to Chav power.
Marvel at the ream of stars atop the banner, each one a Chav hero in their own right. I can count 8 evil looks, 4 stupid hats, 3 pairs of shades and some top-class jewellry. My all-time favourite Eminem takes the prominent position, with a full-on Chav pose. What a fantastic offer. Now, do I wish to assault the public with Britney, Fiddy or Usher? Tough call. All 3 songs are just about the most annoying thing in the world, ever. What better way to broadcast them than through a tinny, squeaky synthesiser with an obnoxious youth attached to the end?
Just remember that the next time your head is about to explode from the assault of several kids deciding which one has the crispest ringtone that this is the kind of advertising that entices them. And it's the poor hapless parent who ends up having to pay for all the other tones the kids don't get free because the kid was too dumb to read the small print. Bonus points to the ad agency for realising that spelling isn't what it used to be, by electing to use the less-commonly known variation of 'Polyphonic'. Classy.
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