'Daily' Chavwatch Part 2 Why Eminem is a prick, and a shed gets wrecked. More bad cars and crap ads. Plus, world exclusive! Xavi is a Chav!! Eminem is a fucking twat. Repeat until you feel better. This picture below has inspired me into such a whirlwind of hatred for Eminem that I will now need to get it off my chest here, rather than bite my own arm off. So, here we see the highly likeable Eminem with his Chav collective, D12. I wonder how much the little fucking sellout pays his band members to wear his own-branded clothing. Let's look for one minute, at Eminem's contemporaries in this picture before addressing the king shitheel himself. The chaps seem very 'street', with a good mixture of crotch-grabbing and bird-flipping goin' on. Now, I don't profess to know anything about these blokes other than they seem to like looking like plonkers. They could be the most talented and cutting-edge performers in the world, but judging by the fact that they are bit-part 'playas' in a glorified hip-hop boy band I would doubt it. Then of course, there is Eminem, pulling a facial expression which seems desperate to be punched/baseball-batted or cut off. A smug little git surrounded by Black folk who lend him credibility, so that other black folk will buy his records. He must be ok 'cos Dre likes him. And then of course there is Eminem's marketability to all the white people in the US (and the UK) who kinda like rap but can't bring themselves to idolise a black guy because they are racist shits. Why is eminem the most successful rapper of all time? Is it really due to his music or because his is white and can string 2 words together without stuttering? Then there are the legion of fans who say that you can't diss him because his incredibly talented, a visionary. Bollocks. He happens to have one of the best producers in the biz, who could market turd burgers in McDonalds successfully if need be. Then there are his amazing 'crossover' collaborations. Great, so you got Dido, possibly the blandest singer ever the right to still be inflicting her shit on us now. Then of course, when Dido was out of town Elton John stepped in. That's right, one of the dreaded Homosexuals that members of the rap community can't seem to acknowledge as human beings. Because that would be percieved to be less macho and as such unwelcome in an industry where your 'toughness' can make or break you. So anyway, Eminem bites the bullet, does the performance and makes a lame statement about him not really hating gay people, he just says it a lot in his lyrics, which is fine, beacuse it's not like there are millions of impressionable teens hanging on his every word. Now, a quick mention about his 'amazing' performance in 8-mile. What's so amazing about practically playing yourself? I'm sure Eminem found it a real stretch to play a cocky, weedy twat with pretentions of ability, getting his arse kicked on a regular basis. The poor guy came from a trailer park, his dad wasn't there and his momma was a hoe. Like anyone cares. I suppose it's good to see that there is a decent living to be made by talking fast, as long as you have a poor background, people who don't grow up on a diet of dog food are whack-reverse snobbery in it's element, I've mentioned before that certain forms of bigotry are unacceptable (as they damn well should be) and others are practically required to make it in Rap. If you haven't had a hard upbringing, you can always lie like Ice Cube, just so long as everyone knows how baaaaaad you had it. Why is it so important in the rap industry to claim fromer poverty? Cause it inspires others in that situation to get out of it. All very commendable, but how likely is it that the majority of kids living in a ghetto will ever get out through that means? But it's ok though, for all the rest of them still in there 'cos rappers can feed them a steady diet of attitudes ranging from the bigoted (Women-hating, gay-hating) to the criminal (rape, shooting people in the face) This is just what underprivileged kids need, someone they can look up to telling them to shoot people in the face if they find life a struggle. Fucking QED you gangster twats. That's performing a great service to your former compatriots. Went off on a tangent there, this is how much I dislike 8-Mile. So anyway, Eminem needs to better himself, so he enters this talking fast competition, and manages to out smart the other chaps with his amazin' skills. So the message in this film is clear then, If you wanna make it out of the trailer parks in Detroit the best way you have to do it is to work on your freestyle 'dissin' skills until you become the best disser whatever done did it. Education never helped anyone, after all. For all those people who now think I hate rap music, I don't. I hate elements of the genre, mainly those cited above, but I hate Eminem more. Now we have to deal with a load of Chavs who think that they are Eminem by the virtue of their baggy sports wear, close-cropped hairstyles and a 'street' (anti-social, bigoted) attitude. Not that I'm saying that Eminem is directly responsible for all the Chavs in the UK. He's only about 90% responsible. The other 10% goes to 'parents' who have all the social responsibilities of a dead chicken; and would rather tossers like Eminem instill their childrens values, than get off their own fat arses and teach their kids to be nice. Eminem is the epitomisation of everything that is unpleasant in the makeup of a Chav, and that's why he is a fucking twat. Are you a Chav? do you want to make it big in rap music? Follow this guide and you, too can become as likeable as Eminem. 1) Go to a sports shop. Spend at least £300 on tracksuits. These must be extremely baggy. 2) Learn to talk and rhyme real fast like what that Twista does. Read nursery rhymes to understand the accute level of complexity you are aiming for. 3) Adopt a permanently 'Menacing' expression. Do something funky with your hair so you look less like a 'pussy white boy'. Peroxide hair looks really tough. 4) Befriend cool-looking Black people. Remember to act like them - don't worry, they won't find this remotely insulting or patronising. Adopt a Jamaican accent and they will all love you, despite the fact you've never left Essex! 5) Find a credible, black producer and bow down and kiss his ring. 6) Surround yourself with sycophantic journos who proclaim you as an 'urban poet', so they don't seem as desperately out of touch as they really are. 7) You best get yo'self a big old hummer to stick all that cash in rude boy!! So Many Chavs, so little time. Been busy today tring to sort out a new place to live, can't be arsed to write anything here. With that said, here is a picture of a Chavved-up MR2 I photographed when it was raining heavily. I like to think that god was pissing on this monstrosity for having the audacity to exist, but I can't confirm that. Maybe God does exist after all. My current accomodation is a ground-floor flat with a communal garden. I am thankfully soon moving, to a place with a fenced garden. Oh, how I wished for a fence a couple of nights ago. About 6 youths came running into the garden at about 7pm, there isn't a park that close so we have the misfortune of their company. Anyway, they soon started bellowing at the top of their pubescent voices about, quite frankly, a load of old bollocks. Some of the smaller ones were still waiting for their balls to drop, which I can attest to by the shrieking nature of their girly screams. All I wanted to do was sit down in peace, after just returning from work. So I tried the 'Stare them into submission' trick. This had the effect of the oldest one scowling at me as if I (being the home owner) was trespassing, and not the other way round. So rather than get done for beating kids or worse, receiving a rusty screwdriver to the ribs, I decided to 'ignore' them. A broken shed, yesterday. Well, I think I might be a bit like Carrie, except without the ginger hair, rag week and Hyper-religious nutcase mum. For I found myself thinking, nay, practically praying for the little bastards to fuck off back to their broken homes. One of the chav youths then decided to climb onto a shed, which belongs to one of my neighbours. He then proceeded to jump up and down on the roof, as you do, when you have the utmost regard for other people's property on premises where you have no right to be. Suddenly, there was an almighty crash as the hapless little twat managed to jump straight through the roof. He totalled the shed and started crying like a big jessie. I looked at the ensuing mess, making sure there were no serious injuries and trying not to laugh. Needless to say, the Chavs scarpered as soon as the kid could compose himself enough to stop bawling. There are a couple of resolutions I hope to come out of this. Firstly, I hope that the kid has scared himself enough to think twice about wrecking other people's property. Secondly, I hope that the gang as a whole will 'lay low' for a while, after several people witnessed their vandalism. If they are stupid enough to come back, who knows, I might fix that shed up and embed some spikes on the floor. I've never had a Chav kebab before. Xavi by name, Chavvy by nature? Amongst all the stars in Barcelona at the moment, there is a rather good finisher who goes by the name of Xavi. This is the same Xavi who got on the end of buck-toothed genius Ronaldinho's lob to dispatch Real Madrid on sunday. But the real reason I know him is down to the pronunciation of his name, which is phonetically a not unamusing 'Chavvy'. I decided to track down this Xavi using all my detective skills on the interweb, to find evidence which would point to Xavi having Chavvish tendencies. And I think that in an American court of law, I could argue that he is definately a Chav. Below I present compelling evidence which I am confident will lead to a conviction on the grounds of being a Chav. Exhibit 1: I found this picture of Xavi on the interweb. We can see clearly from this picture that 1) he is wearing a very garish tracksuit, albeit a Barcelona one. 2) he is carrying the kind of facial expression that suggests he is about to remonstrate with persons on a physical level, and, 3) he is clearly walking in a suburban area, and on the road. Exhibit 2: I found this site called Xavi's Peugeot Homepage which is about modifying Peugeots of different types.You may argue that 'Xavi' is one of the most common hispanic names in the world, but I think that the coincidence is far too great in this instance. Exhibit 3: I found the following text from an interview with Bernd Schuster, it reads as follows: "BUITRE: What do you preffer? Xavi or brasilian Rochemback I know better Xavi, and he worths a chance after some years here. He can do it well and it's the right time for him to drive Barça." Further proof then, as if any more was needed, that Xavi is indeed, Chavvy. The only question remains is what vehicle will Xavi drive Barcelona in, the XR2 or the Golf GTI MK1? At last, the Chav has become a recognised demographic. This is a genuine advert as featured on many a bus stop in London. It appears that advertising agencies have finally realised quite how many Chavs there are out there, and instead of pursuing the lucrative Pink Pound, they now turn their attention to the largest collective of people there is. Looking at this ad, you have to ask yourself, is the creator taking the piss? Firstly, the girl is called Tracy. If there is ever a moniker indicative of inherent Chavness, this is it. Secondly, look at her clothing. Hoop earrings/Bangles/gold chains? Check. Tiny skirt displaying bandy legs? Check. Platform trainers circa 1996? Check. Third, and perhaps the most tellingly, is the choice of shops made available. All 3 are integral parts of Chav culture. The artist clearly knows this subject well, the picture is authentic right down to the lopsided sneer in her face!! I can't wait to see what other ingenious methods Transport For London come up with to spunk taxpayer's money. Thanks, Ken Livingstone! 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