'Daily' Chavwatch Part 5 All New Stuff!!* *unless you've been here before More daft motors, and Bowyer makes good. Firstly. I realise that in my last article I pronounced the Mondeo monster as the worst car I have seen, ever. However, I witnessed a fiesta of truly epic bad taste yesterday. Now, the Fiesta has had to endure more than its fair share of modifications over the years, probably because the majority of Chavs could ill-afford an XR2, so had to make do with the 1.2 model. The best way to improve upon a 1.2 is not to replace the engine, gearbox, exhaust system etc. for something punchier - oh no, it's all about aerodynamics, you see. So, it may come as a slight surprise that the overhaul below is pretty much the most unaerodynamic car you will ever see. The hapless owner of this Fiesta has spent a large sum of money doing it up: The paintjob is immaculate, the body modifications seamless, but the overall design looks like it was conceived by Tracy Emin after heaving out a particularly large turd. This vehicle is truly disgusting. No wonder that the driver opted for windows darker than the black hole caused by the unerringly silly benefits system. The spoiler certainly works on one level, enhancing the look of the car about as much as any well-placed baseball bat could ever do. Note too, that there appears to be a pool of vomit on the floor; which just about sums this car up. Finally, a note about the ever-lovable Lee Bowyer. You may remember that I put Bowyer in my top 10 Chavs of 2004 chart, a move which some people believed to be unfair on the poor lad. So it is something of a vindication that Bowyer Twatted a team mate this weekend (not that fellow Chav Kieron Dyer hasn't had it coming to him), and has sullied his reputation yet more. But somehow this fella still manages to collect more money in a single week than most Chavs garner in a lifetime. At least he isn't on benefits anymore, which may be the reason for the rather strained expression on his face. 'Appy Birfday! Chavspotting has now been going for a year! Well er actually more than a year, but I've been too busy to do any updates, having just started a new job. For anyone wondering, a job is something that people do to accrue money through honest means. Glad that's sorted. The year has been a strange one, with what was once a cult phenomenon being propelled into the fat fingers of the media who, naturally, failed to grasp the concept. On 'music' channel VH1 a new show called 'Chav My Motor' is due to start imminently. It is basically 'Pimp My Ride' with a Chav twist (why does that sound familiar?) and should be good fun. In other news, I have seen several gangs of chavs strutting around in a collective huddle to tinnily-rendered garage-pop with an oddly-shaped Nokia being responsible for the noise. Aaaargh god, why? why put loudspeakers on mobile phones? I bought a new 'criss' moby today, which is probably far too understated to achieve any Chav kudos, but it too came supplied with a speaker add-on. One upside is that I shall be able to photograph Chavmobiles at a much higher resolution from now on, which is surely a good thing. This brings me nicely along to the chavfest below; this is perhaps the worst Chavmobile I have ever seen. The owner has had the audacity to erect a banner proclaiming 'The Fast And The Furious' atop the windscreen. And then there's the decals. Do you ever remember buying a model car, by Tamia or some such bollocks, only to be confronted by an array of decals which would swamp the kit if all were applied? Well, I had a mate who used up all his decals on his model cossie cos he thought it looked 'boss'. Perhaps, then, this is his car. To make matters much, much, much worse (I won't even mention the paintjob) all of this work has been done on a mark one, aubergine-headlamped Ford Mondeo. The car dubbed a 'potato' by Jeremy Clarkson. If anyone has seen a car looking worse than this please email me. Chavs. In life, there are small regrets, and large regrets. a small regret would be not asking a girl you were keen on for a date. A large regret would be killing that girl, eating her spleen and murdering her entire family. Watching the television last night, I started to feel a large regret coming on. To be honest, the program did not get off onto the best start, with Julie Burchill inexplicably acting as a compere for the show, the dyanmic glue which would tack the whole thing together. Julie Burchill is a relatively obscure, much-derided 'journalist', with the looks of Sonia from Eastenders and debating skills of Vicky Pollard on valium. During the course of the programme, my heart sank and my blood-alcohol levels raised in direct proportion. This 'documentary' was one of the most biased pieces of television I have witnessed, based on several (completely incorrect) assumptions about what a Chav is, and Chav culture in general. This programme was seemingly produced in an effort to make Ms. Burchill appear a righteous champion of the working classes, but only succeeded in confirming her status as a babbling idiot. Talking about the working classes, they got a shockingly raw deal in this mockumentary. Because, you see, all working class people are Chavs, and this is Burchill's stupid assumption number one, of many. I will deal with these now, by trying to recall events from the wretched show, despite my hangover. 1) All working class people are labelled as chavs Wrong, wrong, wrong. Perhaps if I write a word 3 times in a row, Burchill might take notice. Chavs may be more likely to come from a working class background, but a lot of chavs are quite well-off folk who chose to 'rough it' in order to gain some credibility. How insulting is it to the working class, that Julie Burchill can stick them all in the same category? Having a lack of money does not mean you are automatically a greedy, benefit-grabbing, multiple child-spawning menace to society. It is this kind of blinkered attitude that leads to misunderstandings and unnecessarily divides people. 2) Kate Moss Is A Chav I have never, ever, seen this woman linked with the Chav phenomenon. She once modelled Burberry, so I guess that's why Burchill labelled her as the 'queen chav'. Moss demonstrates none of the characteristics common in Chavs, including, and not limited to the following; the common Chav attire, a lack of social and moral responsibility, an addiction to trisha, a burden on the tax payer, etcetera. 3) Chav women are better-looking than Middle/upper class women. Even by Burchill's standards, this was a bizarre claim to make. Her point was thus: Kate moss (A model, not a Chav in any way, shape or form), is better looking than Sarah Ferguson (A member of the royal family much criticised for her looks), therefore, Chav women are better-looking than Middle/upper class bints. you might want to read that again, in case the logic escapes you. In fact, i shall represent it as a sum for you. Kate Moss=Chav Sarah Ferguson=Posh Kate Moss=Attractive Fergie=Horse Therefore, Chav women are more attractive than other women. It's a shame that this ground-breaking, esoteric nodule of logic was not applied to, say, Nigella lawson and Lizzie Bardsley. Oh, how different the results would have been. 4) Non-Chav Women are jealous of teenage pregnancies. I will watch the recording just to be sure on this one, but I'm sure that I have got this right. Apparently, people rail on these unfortunate young gals because they are jealous that they cannot have a baby in their teens themselves, and instead exercise a modecum of social conscience, by waiting until their financial and personal situations make a baby practical. 5) The posher a woman is, the more of a slapper she is. I'm not sure if this is true, but if they choose to be slappers at least some form of contraception is used. This point also illustrates Burchill's mud-slinging tactics. Several times in the course of the programme, she attacks the middle and upper classes, because she believes that the working classes are being attacked. If this were true (which it isn't, see number 1) can she not think of a better way of defending them than by saying "yeah, well all posh birds are slags"? Bizarre. I finished watching this crap with a real sense of amazement, that something this biased and stupid can be allowed on the television. When questioned by Vanessa Feltz about the issues of people lazily living on benefits, Burchill talked over her. I get the feeling that a whole bunch of Chavs would be watching this documentary saying "Yeah, Julie, you tell 'em!" But what did she really tell us? absolutely nowt!! No stones were really unturned, none of the serious social and moral implications were discussed. I was also disappointed that I spoke for a good half-hour about Chavs, and tried to distinguish between working class and Chav, but obviously this did not fit the nature of the programme. I ended up being seen slagging off Lady Sov and that was about it, which I don't really mind. I just wish that the Chavs had been more objective, and not fronted by a stupid bint with a pound of cod and chips on her shoulder. All in all, a wasted opportunity. article from Metro. The 2004 Chav Top 10!! The year is all but over, so now it is time for us all to look back and reflect upon the highs and the lows of last year. 2004 saw some great moments, with the return of Wifeswap, C4's Shameless and many other delights. Below is the top ten of the most influential chavs of the last year. 10 - Lee Bowyer By the rat-faced one's standards, this year has been quiet, with racial assaults kept down to a bare minimum. Part of the chavviest football team in the world - Newcastle united, alongside Kieron Dyer, Craig bellamy et al. He has actually played some football this year, having recovered from tripping over that nasty asian student's head several times. 9 - Shystie This lovely lady would have figured significantly higher if she hadn't failed to sell her album so spectacularly. After a promising start, in which 8 copies were sold at the Hackney branch of woolworths, things soon fizzled out. The album peaked at number 250, which coincidentally is Shystie's average monthly wage at primark. 8 - Michelle Ryan the owner of the longest face in soap history also had plenty more to crow about in 2004. As if belonging to the chavviest soap family in Fagenders wasn't enough, young Zoe Slater performed the classic Chavette 'Honey Trap' on her fella by informing him she was up the duff when she wasn't. Pure Chav gold. And look at the fringe. 7 - Eminem Mr. Mathers had another successful year, selling 700,000,000 copies of his new album, crammed chock-full of the same predictable old shit. Ripped off an old Martika track which he proceeded to spoil with some particularly uninspiring rapping, and a music video in which one of his rent-a-mates gets 'capped'. Twat. 6 - Mike Skinner The streets returned with another fusion of Chas'N'Dave influenced bile. Chavs the country over learnt to say 'ironical' unassisted, and defended the brummie gimp as an artistic genius. Jo Whiley, twat extraordinaire and 'presenter' of some off-peak radio 1 shows, probably said he was better than the beatles, or something similar. 5 - Emma Greenwood Who? you may ask. This is the Big Brother reject who was kicked out for fighting with 'gangsta' Victor. This foul-mouthed harpy can be regularly seen, scrapping with other girls in the Northern holiday resort of Oldham. She sold her Big Brother suitcase on Ebay for 6 quid. Currently on income support, and looking for Chip Shop work. 4 - Brian Harvey The ex-East 17 frontman started off well on I'm a celeb, by still turning up despite his Nan's death, and making loads of teenage girls go "bless 'im ain't he luvverly" Unfortunately he let everyone know what a petulant Chav he still is by walking out after being told off for farting on the dinner. An old master of the Chav art. 3 - Robbie Savage Robbie Savage looks like a low-rent David Beckham spliced with a spaniel - but despite this (and a complete lack of talent) has managed to get himself a respectable football career, receiving plaudits for his commitment, but he is also a wind-up merchant of legendary repute. Savage has long posessed an innate ability to wind up fellow professionals and get them sent off. 2004 was the year where he finally got his comeuppance; whilst playing for Wales he received his marching orders, thus missing the crucial England clash some weeks later. Cheers, boyo. 2 - 3 Of A Kind 'Babycakes' was the teenie-bop hit of the year, featuring the 'talents' of 3 utter Chavs, who had the audacity to call themselves '3 Of A Kind' despite the glaring similarity between them and the contents of any shopping centre on a Saturday that you care to mention. The video was noteworthy for the girl and her awfully large baseball cap, and the fat white kid's complete lack of rhythm. Even a glut of motion stretching couldn't get the fat bloater to look good on his feet. Cunningly, the video also seemed to be shot in a Chip shop, making the teenie-bopper Chav feel at ease. 1 - Michelle Bass If it weren't for the fact that a fat Transexual won, Big Brother 5 would probably be best remembered for the delectable Michelle Bass. She breezed into the 'hoose' with all the hallmarks of Chav finery. She had the high ponytail with a scrunchie, also known as a 'Croydon Facelift'. She had a wardrobe comprising all of the Chav cliches going, including horrible suede boots, feather earrings the size of small planets, cheap gold jewellry, the works. What became apparent as the show wore on, however, were her 'bunny boiling' tendencies. Any Chavette knows that the way to a Man's wallet is his sperm, which she clamoured after desperately until the hapless sod eventually gave in. Unfortunately she has yet to fall pregnant, but is planning a brood of 14 kids. She also looks fatter with each passing day, and will one day overtake the expansion of the universe and end all life as we know it. Merry Christmas, one and all! At last, christmas is upon us. Chavs accross the UK are stocking up on Thunderbirds and Oranjebooms, and all is well in their nicotine-stained, dysfunctional hovels. For one day of the year, the social scourge of these isles will behave with a modecum of decency and kindness to others. That is until the pubs open, or night falls, Whichever comes first. The Band aid single continues to do well, despite Dizzeeeee Raasclat's best efforts to completely ruin it, with his mediocre rapping 'skillz'. Yes, I know that the single is for charity, and Mr. Rascal would have received nowt for his 'efforts', but realistically he should have paid Bob and Midge a substantial amount to be included, god knows his career needed the shot in the arm. Speaking of careers, Lady Sovereign has gone remarkably quiet of late. Perhaps she caught sight of herself on the Box and decided to do the honourable thing. Sovereign is one of many Chav megastars who appear in the flash movie below, it is my christmas gift to you. Drinking several barrels of Rum may render it more watchable, and will also give the appearance of fluid motion! Expect a new year's update, probably some time in september. I have recently been interviewed for the telly, regarding this website. So you may see my ugly pixellated mug coming to an Alba TV near you soon enough. But until such times, content yourself with the piece of crap here. Hope you don't get any Burberry for Xmas. Peace. Fed up of trawling this site for non-existent updates? e-mail me, subject 'join', to join the Chavspotting Mail list. you will then receive an email when any updates occur (if ever).